One of the most complex social situations you will encounter is the 45 seconds that elapse while deciding where to sit for dinner at a restaurant. Your choice should appear natural, unbiased and haphazard if executed properly. Timing is everything. These 45 seconds determine how enjoyable your next 2 hours will be.
The group discussed what would happen if they were surrounded by Pakistani troops. We would surrender. The original plan was to have Vice-President Biden fly to Islamabad and negotiate our release with Pakistan’s president.
This is hearsay, but I understand Obama said, Hell no. My guys are not surrendering. What do we need to rain hell on the Pakistani military? That was the one time in my life I was thinking, I am fucking voting for this guy. I had a picture of him lying in bed at night, thinking, You’re not fucking with my guys. Like, he’s thinking about us.
We got word that we’d be scrambling jets on the border to back us up.
Cynthia Pekoria (manager, State Farm Insurance, Sherman Oaks branch): OK which one of you dick-fucks approved this.
Dalton Leonard (customer service representative): If this is about Kanye’s cat getting renter’s insurance, I can actually explain that.
Pekoria: It’s not about Kanye’s cat.
[L]et me bring you to the second floor, the grand pavilion. This is a complete McDonald’s with a twist: every month or quarter or so, it is redesigned to provide the exact experience of dining in a different country’s McDonald’s. Did you know in some places, like including Paris and New York, McDonald’s has experimented with table service? McDonald’s in Germany serves beer but charges for condiment packets? Best of all, McDonald’s in Hong Kong HAS WEDDINGS. (“The package includes a budget version of the usual trappings: a ‘cake’ made of stacked apple pies….”) To ensure that the experience is exact, crews will have to be imported from local staff. Like, if you work at a bustling McCafé in Argentina, and you are the best, you might one day get called up for the big trip to New York, where you will stay in the McDorms, have a musical montage, and so on, all to make sure details like handing back the credit card with two hands in the Korean McDonald’s get taken care of. Maybe sometimes it would also shift not just in space but in time. We could see what a typical McDonald’s of 1970s Idaho was like. With actors dressed up and stuff. There would be segregation.